I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
