we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
