Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My vagina is very pro this idea
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize