I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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