Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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