Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
