I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I deserve this hangover.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
