This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
