There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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