meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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