He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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