woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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