Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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