you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
