im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
