I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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