he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize