I met the friendliest cop last night
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
