alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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