Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
