Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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