Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So much rum. So many feels.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
