My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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