Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
