i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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