it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize