The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
