Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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