There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
