Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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