I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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