He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize