The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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