Apparently you make a good broom.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He passed out mid-signature
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
