oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
