you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
