I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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