Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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