her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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