i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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