Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
