Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
