So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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