Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
