your parents love me but you hate me
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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