Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
