new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
