who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
