I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
