you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
