Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
