So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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