so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
