Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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