yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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