I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
