If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
