Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
