i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
