shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
