They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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