Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
