I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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